A super honest post because middle of night.
I'm pretty tired.
I have what much more experienced mums call 'a good baby'. I'm tired
because I don't sleep well at night. I like to make sure Natalie is
okay, even with my favourite Relax Rain app I hear her wiggling or
sighing in her dreamland state. And that's okay. I have been told to
sleep when the baby sleeps, or to not sleep when the baby sleeps. I have
been told to eat better, to sleep more, to have what my generation
refers to as 'me time', to exercise more, to rest my knee, to let my
bubba cry, to have routine, to do stuff outside of being a mum. I
haven't been told anything about how I still look pregnant but I'm sure
as hell that's been batted around a bit. No, I don't need any advice in
that area either.
The thing is, that although I am ridiculously
(and self imposed) sleep deprived, I love being a mum. I didn't know
this kind of love even existed. I love her more than words can say. I am
a mamma bear of the best and worst kind. My life has changed,
completely, rapidly and happily. I feel no need to vent about how
frustrated I am about something my new baby has done, because nothing
makes me feel that way.
I don't love all the things that are
attached to motherhood. I hate the competitiveness. I hate the advice
you don't want. I hate that I feel I have to justify my actions and
choices and beliefs. I hate that superiority that mums of older children
sometimes have. I hate random strangers telling me things about my
child or offering suggestions. None of this is about actual children
though, and it says more about those people than anything else.
A lot of this stuff
has been bothering me for a long time. I don't want to just fall into
some deep dark hole, or worse, deactivate my Facebook account because
everything is driving me a little cuckoo bananas.