Thursday, 9 July 2015

Cuddle o'clock.

I've written a lot this year about my expectations for the triumphant return to Adelaide, and how reality has cast a very different, though probably better, light on the situation. As I'm now entering the big and scary eighth month of pregnancy, I'm realising some things pretty quickly.

Nothing is the same anymore, and nothing will be the same as what it is now.

In this crazy pregnancy body, which is mostly just boobs, belly and flailing limbs, there is a lot I can't do. Things are getting uncomfortable. For a pretty flexible young woman, not necessarily an overly fit one, but one who knows her body's capabilities, this has been a crazy challenge. I miss sitting cross legged, and having the choice to sleep on my back, and not having a belly getting in between me and other objects (mostly sinks, benches and my computer). I miss sleep and being able to drink huge amounts of anything. I miss all my favourite foods - sushi, freshly shaved ham, runny poached eggs, soft serves... Man. I miss food.

But I have also faced the fact that in around 65 days, give or take, that there will be an actual baby, and not just an idea of one, to look after and have Cuddle O'Clock with all the time. Because babies can't look after themselves, we are it. And that's scary and crazy and exciting all at once. When making plans, and no matter how far away or how small they seem, calculating a baby into them is not a natural thing to do. What if I'm not ready to leave the Bubba at home or with someone else? Even now I don't think I could leave Pumpernickel with someone I didn't know, or do the child care thing. My Guiding dreams, which involve travel and conferences and jamborees have all been put on hold, along with my growing need for derby speed. And that's okay, I can pick those things up at some point and happily run with them years down the track.

I also realised something. Pumpernickel will look a bit like Stephen and I.

I still sleep like this.

Such a cute bubba!

I know that's silly, but the thought has only occurred to me in the past month or so. And that's pretty cool. Of course I have some worries. Will Pumpernickel inherit my bad eyes? What is Pumpernickel doesn't look like either of us at all? What if Pumpernickel barracks for Collingwood instead of Adelaide?

I feel like my priorities are rapidly changing. Stuff doesn't seem to be as important to me, and I'm decluttering our house at a rapid rate. More than that, in terms of career paths, teaching offers the flexibility I will be looking for whenever I want to go back to work, which won't be for awhile yet. I'm looking into choices for further study - actually doing my Masters or a post graduate certificate in language, and thinking, for once, about something other than my future and what I want for me.

Please, world, be patient and kind to me for just a little while longer.

with love from Lisa.