Sunday, 26 April 2015

Mending broken things (and thoughts about Pumpernickel)

The last few weeks have been a bit of a challenge for me. Not just with the acceptance that life as we know it is going to change, and rapidly, but with some kind of acknowledgement that trust isn't all it's cracked up to be.

I don't care if it's been glued back all pretty, it's just not the same.
There's been a few events that have happened that has made me think 'okay, what just happened here?' I won't go into them, but basically, it's reminded me of the simple fact that you can only really rely on a few people. And that is it.

I think I've written before about accepting being lied to. Lying is something I can usually excuse, but making choices based on honouring other friendships above another are not okay. Understating facts is not okay. Faking perfection is not okay.

With some soul searching and some pretty good d&ms, I've arrived at my own conclusions. Most importantly, asking someone to change is usually unreasonable, and you can't ever control someone else's behaviour. Just because you see something as morally wrong, it is all relative. Swaying someone to your opinion happens, although rarely, and not usually by talking them into or out of anything. And, most of all - why am I putting trust into people who have broken it? Or not shown common respect and decency?

This is kind of vague, and for that I apologise.

I have made peace with myself about the situations which have really shaken me. But part of protecting your heart is saying no. It's really okay to be untrusting of someone, of their words and even, sometimes, their actions.

Care Bears Countdown... (I am getting old.)
A lot of people have reminded me that once Pumpernickel arrives, friendships and relationships will change a lot. In some ways, I am kind of relieved about this. It's not so much about finding out who your 'true friends' are, just identifying people who want to be part of your life. I received something really encouraging from one of my nearest and dearest today and I have throughout the past week or so. Sometimes when I have had problems getting along with other people who have children themselves, someone will remind me that once we have our own family, things will be different, and we will have more in common. I am scared, and also excited.

Tomorrow we find out if we are having a bubby boy or a baby girl! We decided we wouldn't tell anybody, and how we are supposed to keep it to ourselves for 20ish weeks is beyond me (I can't stand suspense).

For most of May I'm co-ordinating the OSHC service I've been working in since Term 1. At this stage, I'm working up until the end of the July holidays, and then taking a bit of time off because my contract runs term to term. I spent yesterday making tablecloths and curtains, and today I bought a big toadstool seat for the nursery. At this stage we have a rockabilly baby on the way.

I have wrote a bit about how I haven't been keen to be out and about as much as usual. The last dinner I went out for (at NNQ) was uncomfortable - it was busy and I kept having to have my chair super pushed in. I love it all the same, because good company and excellent birthday cake, but still, going out once a week is enough for me. I don't really want to be at things I can't partake in either - like trips to Bounce, bar hopping or canoeing, because. I'm not trying to be difficult, I'm just cautious and I hate being fawned over.

I am so tired that instead of being unable to sleep because tomorrow is ultrasound day, I'll probably go to bed soon. Am I turning into an old lady?! All that aside, I am missing my skates a lot. In fact, I kind of want to pull them apart and clean them, etc, but... it might make me a little sad.

This is in Port Douglas, but it was a happy photo so I included it.
Although this entry has been kind of sad, I'm not sad at all. A lot of what has been happening in my world, well, the trust element of it, has thankfully been removed enough from my every day life that I can move on and worry about more pressing issues. I am blessed in that sense!