Sunday, 15 March 2015

Just between you and me.

I know this is a weird time to be blogging, but I spent the evening sewing and had lots to think about.
There's this great, and by great I mean totally lame, quote that says 'sometimes the girl who is there for everyone else needs someone to be there for her.' To repost that says more about how you see yourself than how others see you. But there is kind of something there, give or take a few generalisations.

Sometimes I feel that I've entered some kind of Bermuda Triangle world. Oh, I'm happy to listen to what everyone else is doing and what's making them feel hurt or the latest dramas, but being married with soon to arrive children is somehow kind of... Well, under the radar. And whatever world I'm meant to be operating in, I don't understand it and I don't know whether I want to. I feel frustrated by other people's relationships, because I think that sometimes we are untraditional and other people in our lives really aren't. We don't do everything together all the time, we like different things, we don't run well under social obligation. That's just who we are, and I get that other people don't understand or appreciate it.

I know my life is changing, and dramatically. What I thought I was coming home for has warped completely into something I didn't plan for or expect. The things I thought I missed or wanted, I don't.

I'm kind of scared that people see me as boring now. When you're single, life is about friends and food and meeting the right person and being all philosophical about love. Playing the marriage card seems to mean you give that away. At least that's the impression I am getting. I just want to be me again, and not something who isn't welcome to share what's going on in my life, just because it's a little bit different to other people.

On the other hand, I feel like there's not of people I can really share my life and my story as is it is right now. And I want to have that, but I don't. And I don't know if I can fix that, or even deserve it. It's not that I think that being a good listener or a friend entitles me to any of this, it's just that, well, I miss having friends to share the tough times with, as well as the good.

At the end of the day, I don't have any more answers than anyone else. I'm just grasping at straws. I am not tempted in the slightest to give advice based on the fact that I'm a married woman, and therefore know everything. I don't! A lot of this world doesn't make sense to me. I am trying though. I really am.

I don't necessarily need more in my life than what I have now. I have Stephen and cats and my family and good health and a job I like. And I have enough friends, more than I can count on two hands, and not many people can say that. I'm grateful. But I'm not immune to hurting and being sad or messed up or disappointed. One day, really, I hope someone will have my back.