Sunday, 22 March 2015

All I never knew I wanted.

I've touched a little on this in previous blog entries, but basically, I have discovered two truths about my life: this isn't what I was expecting, but I want it anyway.

I had really big dreams about moving from Kadina to Adelaide. I was going to play roller derby, stay out late with my friends, go back to my gym at Kidman Park, have long breakfasts on Sundays... All these things haven't really happened.

Living between here and wherever else I had been living (Balaklava, Pirie, Kadina, and not to discount a few months in Mount Gambier), I had lived for social weekends and loathed the fact I lived in the country. I was tired of being away from everyone all of the time. Four years of sleeping at other people's houses, of eating out because I didn't have anywhere to cook food (yes, this eventually does get old), of adding at least two hours travel time onto any event, was, well, getting tedious. And I am so glad I did all of these things. I am rarely a fairweather friend, but when people move away, keeping in touch is often just something you say rather than actively seek to do.

We have been back four four months now, and things have not really been the way I planned. Best laid plans always turn into something else. 2015 was supposed to be an awesome year, and it's turned incredibly bittersweet, with some silver linings for added effect. But I am not unhappy with this lot in life. In fact, I have maintained my level of contentedness for a very long time.

I am a little sad I won't play derby, that is true. But it's the safest for me, and future Baby Birchy Beans, and I know I am making the right choices about it.

I am also really glad we moved closer to family, because distance would be so incredibly hard right now. This was a case of good timing, or Godspeed, all the same, here we are.

It has surprised me how little I have seen my friends, and also, how much I have spent doing Guiding things. I do Guide stuff two-three nights a week, which was never my intention. All the same, it is a wonderful movement to be part of, and I love my Guiding sisters.

I have concluded that a lot of people move on through the seasons of life, and kind of come and go as we need one another. A few times I've been to parties and lunches, looked around at my friends and thought 'this is it. This is our group now, probably forever'. There is something so comforting in that simple fact, and not at all as scary as what I thought. I have watched my friends grow and change a lot over the last ten-ish years, but also, the fact that so much of who we are remains the same, is settling.

As with planning a wedding (and also, preparing for marriage), having children now seems the thing I am collecting unsolicited advice about. Especially, and so bizarrely, from people who are not actually parents. Can you just all stop now, please?

We are super excited about being parents though. I have said I always wanted to be a 'cookies and milk mum' (that's my term for stay-at-home mums, who are also creepily know as SAHMs). Hopefully I will have that opportunity to stay at home for as long as I can. I appreciated my own mum being around growing up and always having her to talk to, or go places with, or do projects together. I will be honest though. I am not at all clucky. I don't really love babies or small children the same way my baby crazy friends do. Whether this is because my brother arrived when I was ten, or whether it's just because babies don't excite me... yeah, I just don't know. It's okay to say these things, right? I am always super excited when my friends or family have babies, but it's more that I don't know what to do with them, and when someone passes me a random baby to cuddle, they are always going to cry because, babies.

Lots of things are changing, and I hope that I actually have some good friends who are mums sooner rather than later. Talking about friends has made up the bulk of this blog. I am not very extroverted (or, not at all), and yet I have a lot of people I call friends, and a lot of people I care about. Is that weird? Am I normal? Do I even need to be asking these things?

It's a horrible grey sky day here. I'm getting what I call 'huffy puffy', and I am glad, for the first time ever, that summer is actually over and I am allowed to be cold again. Yay for cold weather! Days like this in Kadina often sent me into a funk, and yet blue sky days there would often make me feel lonely for living in Radelaide. I do like our house, which we have worked incredibly hard on, along with having plenty of help from my parents. We live on a corner block, and have three construction sites around us - one two doors down, one on the opposite corner block, and another set a flats facing our garage. It's always noisy here, with the exception of Sunday mornings.

 Shark Tank is almost on, then it's time for lunchies and work.

I am just so grateful for this life. We have so many things to be excited for, to be hopeful for and to be prayerful for.