Sunday, 22 February 2015

Last but not least. (Tender heartedness, and getting over it.)

There's just one more little thing I want to write about.

I'm always so grateful when people are kind to me!

I know that's crazy because as someone who is generally a nice person (basically, I need a good reason to dislike someone), most people would think I believe that essentially other people are also generally nice like my good self.

The tricky thing is, kindness is confusing. I have a old and dear friend (who isn't actually old, I've just known them for a while), who thinks they know what I like and what's best for me. And they get it wrong all of the time. The tricky thing is that my oldest, nearest and dearest don't always get how sensitive and tender hearted I am. And, here is how tender-heartedness works, for me.

Stage One
The friendship honeymoon stage. This is sometimes the best part of friendship. Everyone is nice to everyone is nice to each other, even though they aren't always genuine about it.

Stage Two
The stage in which Person A is revealed to be tender hearted and sensitive and Person B is revealed to not be so inclined. This is okay, because being Person A means you need a lot of Person B's in your life to stand up for you, dish out some tough love and help shove you along in the Game of Life.

Sometimes you get some variations. There can be two Person As, which works out for everyone in that triangle. Sometimes Person B pretends to be Person A for awhile because they want something from you. Sometimes a hybrid of Person A and Person B arrives. Hybrid, is, in some ways, preferable.

All the same, in Stage Two, you decide if you like Person A, B or Hybrid enough to make them part of your life. Sometimes you come back to Stage Two after firstly saying no. Sometimes you come back time and time again, after you have said yes.

The trouble with Person B's is that sometimes you don't need their tough love or overthinking or assumptions, and you just wish they would bugger off. This leads to one very frustrating fact - Person Bs hardly ever go away, even if you want them to.

Stage Three
In this stage, as Person A has some kind of conflict, usually internally about Person B, though in my case, most Person As and Bs know about the issues arising with the certain Person B causing grief.

Some really bad ways to deal with this kind of conflict include ignoring them, saying what you actually think, giving them some kind of ice queen treatment or anything else that will make them more defensive than usual.

Some really good ways to deal with Person Bs is just to be choosy about what you do and say with them. Because Person Bs almost always have your best intentions at heart, they can just get really annoying about it.

Ultimately, the goal is to get back to Stage One. For me, this happens, but only the right circumstances. It's worth it, most of the time. I think.

Being tenderhearted is tough. I hate being told negative anything about myself, even if I know it is true. For example, if I have done a bad job sweeping the floor, I probably know that and don't need someone to remind me. It can take me ages to fit in. And, honestly, sometimes it is so much better for me to be at home and recharging my batteries than being out with people, even if I like them a lot.

Sometimes this means that I might not look like I enjoy taking charge. Wrong wrong wrong. As the oldest sibling and only girl, I have been The Boss my whole life, so I actually just hate being told what to do! I don't like having plans made for me, and that's almost how I feel right now. I have enough of my own things happening, I don't need any more being shoved at me as potential options.

The tough thing is that Person Bs can quickly turn into Person As, and not as a hybrid, but because they are genuinely hurt. That sucks because as a tenderhearted girl, I try so hard to look after my friends of the same nature.

Other tough things that can happen.
Sometimes what I see as conflict or anger, someone else has not even recognised or cares about enough to deal with or address. I have had plenty of one sided fights.

I hang on to things people have said, for years and years and years. I'm not overly discerning either, but not letting go can be tough. No, is always tough.

Person Bs and Hybrids can get some crazy mad on your behalf. Sometimes a certain Person B has brought up issues from a few years ago that I had completely forgotten about and reminds me of all the things I could have done. This isn't helpful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! On the other hand, having someone actually get annoyed for you is good. Because, justification.

Sometimes people see tenderhearted people as weak, which is not always the case. It's easy to walk away, but Person As are the least likely to do it. I like to think Person As are most likely to choose fight over flight.

Person Bs can sometimes get annoying and unsympathetic, especially when dealing with tough stuff. If someone is sick, they will know someone who is sicker. If someone is being mean, well, that's probably justified. If you make a mistake, Person Bs expect you to own it. Person Bs re great to have on your side but terrible when they are on one of their high horses about something that really only applies to you and not them.

Person Bs often know that they are sometimes painful and annoying and ask you to tell them if you need them to back off or stop doing whatever it is that;s upsetting you. The problem is that tenderhearted types don't work like that, and Person Bs don't like being told such things, even if they give you permission to do so.

The problem really is being a Person A in a Person B world.

A few of my friends are Person As. I like them a lot because you can relate to them. But mostly my family and friends are made up of Person Bs and Hybrids. This is where the world gets difficult. To actually deliver tough love, in all it's forms, you need to have the respect of Person A. This can be hard to obtain.

What makes me like Person Bs though?
I think about this a lot. I like people who speak their mind and I also like people who aren't caught up in the game of people pleasing. And really, we live in a Person B world, and being that person is often rewarded.

I find it hard to like people who don't like me. People not liking me, is that possible?! When I moved to Balak I thought I had met some kindred spirits who were just hybrids disguised as Person As. I am not really used to people being nice to me, then stabbing me in the back, and it's taken time and distance to recover. So in some ways, I like Person Bs better because most if the time they either like you or they don't.

I have also found that I am almost instantly drawn to Person Bs, rather than As. And I don't really know why. I know that As usually make terrible boyfriends, As can be your best friend at tafe until your course finishes and you literally never see them again, As don't tend to swear so much but they do have tempers. I have a massive temper! As a Person A, I still feel bad at totally going crazy at people who didn't deserve my ranting and raving and shouting, but to drive someone to that point takes a lot of input, and a lot of patience from a tenderhearted person.

In addition to all of these things, I am incredibly sensitive when it comes to hearing and touch (for example, I hate irregular noises, uncomfortable clothing, shoes that don't fit right)... And I know other people don't like these things either, but it feels like I cope worse than other people. I feel the cold very easily. I am very easily hyped up emotionally, just dim some lights and I'll be ready to commit to an altar call, confess my sins to the masses or get teary and apologise for things that happened ages ago that no one else cares about except for me.

In some ways though, I don't want to get over it. I like who I am, and I don't really want to change, even though being a Person A can be really frustrating for everyone else. So... #sorrynotsorry