Titles don't mean a lot to me.
All the same, I've just had to turn down an amazing opportunity and it really really sucks.
What I am finding hard right now is that soon I'll be getting what I want. I'll be in Adelaide, I'll be Fresh Meat with MC Roller Girls (and will hopefully make the cut), I will be away from country life, I've applied for uni... I think I have my life on track, kind of.
And I have some really new and not so vague plans.
Things suck all the same right now. And it's probably just tonight and this week and the last. I haven't been sleeping, I'm teaching full time and I'm packing up an entire house. And the packing is almost done, hut my heart feels heavy with all the confusion. But not just that, all the questions. And all I really want to say is:
WHY CAN'T YOU ALL JUST STOP ASKING ME QUESTIONS WHEN YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL I DON'T HAVE ANY ANSWERS?!
I seriously have nothing to answer for. I know this is supportive, but still it isn't helping.
What will you do if...
We have Plans A, B, C and D. Seriously, these plans have plans. But, all the same, I'm an adult and I don;t care how old you are, I won't justify myself to your social norms.
So you don't have a job yet?
Yes there is a job (that has been a bit pooh-poohed because it's OSHC and not teaching), but not collectively, and not for teaching salary.
Well why aren't you apply for things?
Nothing suitable has been offered in terms of teaching, and outside teaching, I have been applying my sweet ass off applying for any job that's going.
You should give teaching a better go.
What for? Has this four year exercise proved anything? There are so many teachers out there, lots of slack principals, some TRT and only a few schools hiring. And most of the schools who are hiring have either a high staff turn over or are advertising for The Perfect Teacher (which is not me).
And you should live here, here and here.
Just no. We will live somewhere we both like, near the things we are already involved in but not to the point where we will spend all our savings on rent.
Renting is for idiots!
You haven't had to rent before, have you? I'm not the magic money fairy and we don't have the type of positions which readily lend themselves to loan lenders.
But country life is sooooo fun.
You haven't lived in the country, have you?
This is why, despite all the really bad bad baddy bad bad things going on with most of my nearest and dearest, I don't want to talk about myself. Because all I do is go around in circles and try and prove myself.
I have nothing to prove.
I just gave up that opportunity, and I know there will be lots of other, different ones I haven't even heard of before. My heart is just heavy and I just needed to vent. And I feel like I have written this post before, but, meh.