Sunday, 21 September 2014

14ish weeks and counting. hashtag: saveme

I had a really infuriating morning, one of those days which usually leads me into a tailspin of getting mad and sad and difficult to live with. I am all about extremes, and I'm hard to pull out of a funk.

One of my favourite people called me when I got home from the most stupidest morning I have ever had in Kadina. It's fortunate that Marie is a Yorkes girl, and also let me rant about how infuriated I was with everyone, including the lady at jeweller who didn't like my outfit (it wasn't anything special, but not tracky dacks and hoodie attire either). I'd even written a long blog about my morning and happily deleted it when I got off the phone. Everything is sorted for tonight, my friends are coming to be trained tomorrow night at Steve's and I have a job interview on Wednesday (not a teaching job, just Chrissy casual, but at this point, I'll happily take what I can get). I have all the reasons in the world to be happy.

We have about 14 weeks until we move. Lots of stuff is happening in between now and then and I can happily cope with that. Stephen is planting gardens, cutting up firewood and keeping a housework log book of things he is doing. I am not contributing to that log, I'm really of the view that you do something, you more on, you do something else.

On the 10th of October I will have been teaching for four years. Wow! It has gone by so quickly, but on the other hand, the time I haven't been teaching my own class, these last two, have been painful in some ways. I'm not being paid to do what I'm trained in. I can cope with that.

The reason we're coming home is really because we want to be with the people we love and who love us. I need support to get through life in general, and I am not happy here. On the other hand, I'm reminded often that Stephen is making a great sacrifice as he loves it here on the YP. Now that it's all really happening, he keeps looking for the good things about leaving, which seems to centre around FRESH FRUIT AND VEGGIES at Woolworths, or at least, the lack thereof.

I guess though, I'm still feeling a bit sulky. I hate feeling this way. My gym here has finally got spin bikes (my fave class in the world), and for some reason they are running a launch on Thursday night (not strange) by starting a class at 7pm and stopping them every 15 minutes so someone else can have a go. 15 minute classes?! Get me out of here! I know it's a once off, but still. That, combined with whatever they have done to our main street (you need to see it to believe it) makes me throw my hands up in the air, and not in a Bass in the Place kind of way.

It hasn't been all bad though, this time here.

I am really struggling with a few things right now, and most of that has to do with the stuff people speak into your life without realising it.

I talked awhile ago about what ifs and if onlys, and it is this, more than anything, that is really getting me down. To be honest, it's not really my job to make anyone feel better about a decision it's taken two years for us to make. I don't have all the answers! I don't need unhelpful solutions either, mostly because I can make it on my own - oh, sorry - we can make it with some help, but it needs to go without an agenda.

I don't know when we stopped caring so much about a career path and woke up to the fact that it isn't a career that makes you happy, but it's made up of little moments. It's that moment that we have often, when we leave something fun, like a party or dinner and think 'Oh, I don't know when I'll see them again'. I once cried most of the way from Glenelg to Semaphore after leaving my friends happily playing pool. Or when someone you love is sick and you can't get on a plane and go home, even though you want to. Everything has to be planned to fly anywhere and nothing ever seems to be easy. We had some tricky news a few months ago, and I found out sitting in a car park in Adelaide in my car, by myself. And this is not how life is meant to be done.

The topic for the sermon at our wedding was about community. Stephen and I are hugely about our communities, if you hadn't guessed that already. It's more than just wanting to be home, it's about wanting to be part of something, to be needed and to be included.

Why save me?

This morning I seriously contemplated going home and rocking backwards and forwards for an hour, or at least, sitting in a corner and not getting up for a long time. I don't think I'll be saved by simply moving my stuff to another house. That's never helped anyone. I just feel saved because I have people that love me and talk me out of my prickly behaviours, or at least listen to me rant on a regular basis. That's not a bad thing.