Wednesday, 30 April 2014

A retrospective guide to friends you had in highschool

There is a reason why teen movies work: the below stereotypes.

1. Everyone's best friend.
This lass/lad is friends with every single person in your school. This is almost inexplicable. Everyone's best friend continues to be everyone's best friend once leaving high school. You don't know whether you secretly love or loathe them. Ever.

2. The terrible flirt.
If you ever meet a person in high school who knows a bunch of pick up lines, it isn't because they find them funny. They honestly intend to try it on someone some day. Also, the terrible flirt is incredibly obvious and will ask for love advice when they don't actually need it, and probably won't for another ten years.

3. The activist.
This person saw something on Today Tonight and decided that it must be true. Suddenly they are raising money, going on trips to who knows where and trying to integrate their latest cause into every assignment they do during year 11. This probably helps for Year 12 Social Studies practice, but by then they will be onto a whole new cause, possibly fighting against their previously backed one.

4. The one who comes to school for two months and never comes back.
For some reason, this person is your best friend for awhile and then disappears completely. I went to school before social media was really a thing (MSN Messenger anyone?), so maybe this kind of things is a little more rare these days.

5. The oversharing siblings.
Oh, the siblings. I don't need to know anything you want to tell me about your sister. The end.

6. The first one to have a car.
This person either a) inherited their family's "first car" or b) saved up dosh made from frying up chips to buy an 80s relic. This person will drive everyone around for the first three months until someone else gets a better car. Also, someone will probably make out in that car and it won't be the person who drives it.

7. The one with the perks.
In my school, one way to become cool would be to have access to smokes and share them with the more, well, "popular" kids. If you don't have access to tobacco, your car, disposable income or your ability to help with homework will suffice, until it is deemed unnecessary.

8. The opposite sex best friend.
You never quite know whether these two are a) a couple or b) actually just really good friends. Sometimes the lines blur a bit. If you didn't have one, you missed out. Just sayin'.

9. Everyone's cousin.
Maybe it's a country thing, but there always seems to be one, two or ten people who are related, however distantly, to almost everyone in the school. Concerning, yes. Hard to get a date... possibly.

10. The music/art/drama kids.
You never really get these kids. I mean, some of them know they are good, some of them are rubbish at their skills but continue to pursue The Arts anyway. These types always dress up for school sports day in an ironic way.

11. The one with issues.
If you have ever been laughed at, don't mention it to this teenager. They haven't just been laughed at, they have been laughed at by their entire class because they said something the wrong way. If you've ever been in a traffic bingle, they have been in a four car pile up, requiring the Jaws of Life to help them escape so they can save a person on fire. They want to do social work because they have been through so much and want to help others. And also, they enjoy counselling you, even when you don't need it.

12. The fart machine.
Every class has a farter. Usually this fades away by the end of Year Nine, but a once a fart machine, always a fart machine.

13. The first one to get a real boyfriend/girlfriend.
There are two types of boyfriends in high school - the lunchtime boyfriend and the date boyfriend. The date boyfriend will take you on a date, without all his friends (and yours) waiting for you to hold hands or something. The lunchtime boyfriend just wants a cuddle and to look cool. Sometimes he will even hang around a huge group of girls to prove what a man he is. Rock on.

14. The boy everyone likes.
Everyone has got a crush on this super star. He may be a pretty boy or maybe he is just an incredibly nice person. Girls are lining up for this fella, and before you know it he has found someone at a different school in a different year level and you hardly ever see him anymore.

15. The 10-word vocab boy.
Most often seen in the Junior School, this boy has a vocab of about 10 words: yes, no and a range of expletives I won't repeat on this blog.

16. The one with the bad haircut.
For some reason this person never ever gets it right. No one is really sure why. Short hair, long hair, bob, fringe, red, blonde, black. They just can't rock whatever look they are going for.

And also, the friends you never had because they only exist in movies:

1. The uber cool gay friend.
Urban legend suggests that a very cool gay guy would be an awesome shopping companion, wingman and all around great token gay person to have around. I have gay friends and none of them are like Carson. Or Christian from Clueless.

2. The make-over friend.
In movies there is always the girl who gets made-over by someone else and comes to school as a whole new woman. This doesn't happen in real life. There is no Sandra Dee to your Frenchie, so let's forget that scene ever really happened and assume Danny still would have loved Sandy even without all her sexy hair and Lycra pants.

3. The class clown.
Winston Egbert is truly a man based on a clown. A clown who never exists. Yes, some people are hilarious, but no one is funny, sweet, kind, gets on well with teachers and gets away with being a joker just because he is the class clown. (Or she. However, the funny fat girl does exist, but that's not so much of a stereotype... or is it?)